Lies the Internet Told Me
July 2, 2017
The internet is glorious. I honestly do not know how to parent my children without it and that’s not in any way an exaggeration. Amazon Prime has been the catalyst to my close personal friendships with both our UPS and USPS drivers (What up Trish and Steve!) Pandora’s “White Noise” station kept Jack happy for many an infant nap. And Google, well Google is an important member of my family. Google raises my children more than I do.
“What do I do with my 6 week old, like literally what I am supposed to do?”
“What is the second stanza to Ring Around the Rosie?”
“How do I get children’s cherry flavored Tylenol out of a beige rug?”
“Can a 7 month old eat (insert whatever her brother just fed her here)?”
“Elmo’s World Video”
“More Elmo’s World Videos”
In case a toddler steals your phone while you’re reading this:
Beyond the key to my children’s survival, the internet has also brought us Buzzfeed lists about the 90’s, Ebates‘ baffling but wonderful business model, Obama Biden Bromance Memes, and multiple ways to secretly spy on people we went to high school with but probably wouldn’t make eye contact with on the street.
But notice I haven’t mentioned Pinterest. And that’s on purpose. Because while Pinterest can be fabulous, it’s also full of lies. Specifically related to kale and that it tastes good. It doesn’t and that’s just a fact. Yet it’s in every single recipe on Pinterest because everyone pretends to like it and as a result I have less faith in society. My faith was restored for a day when my coworker Amanda referred to a movie that was okay because it was educational but really wasn’t that interesting or enjoyable as the “kale of movies.” I laughed for 15 minutes, and then 15 more minutes alone in my office, and then told Glen about it later.
Wedding websites are also full of lies. Sure, theknot.com, it was helpful that you gave me a check list. But threatening the lives of my friends and family because I hadn’t picked a florist yet seemed a little out of line. I’m sorry that I hadn’t chosen the colors of the linens, you didn’t need to call my high school principal to put a note about delinquency on my transcript. Theknot may disagree, but I’m quite sure you can get married without terrifying check lists that lead you down a rabbit hole of 654 shades of light blue and you’ll probably arrive on your wedding day with higher self-esteem.
And every pregnancy website spouts it’s fair share of lies, but I’ll go with thebump.com to keep my complaints within the same brand family. “Second babies typically are born earlier than first babies.” False. “Pumping breast milk isn’t that bad.” Erroneous. “Create your soothing personal childbirth playlist.” Let’s just say the last thing on my mind during labor was Enya. If they had recommended “Tracks of My Tears” or “Everybody Hurts” I would have been more on board.
Also Waze was very wrong recently and got me stuck in more traffic. That’s what this is really all about. Some poorly directed Waze rage.
With apologies to the good people at Pinterest, theknot, and thebump (but not Waze, I’m still mad at Waze),
P.P.P.S. Getting the link to that Monica song sent me down a YouTube rabbit hole of Monica and Brandy songs. I’m not even mad. The internet really is glorious.