Glen and I have been together for almost 10 years. In that time, we have gone through a lot that we have been unprepared for. Probably because we spend way too much time preparing for very very unlikely scenarios instead. Like “what if a husband wife handshake competition breaks out and we need to dominate” (we have two versions). Or “what if we lose power for the next 6 years and need to heat our house by woodstove” (at one point in 2012 we owned all of the firewood in the Northeast).
But easily my favorite unlikely scenario is “what if I was so intoxicated that I couldn’t walk and you had to drag me home.”
To further explain why this is so unlikely:
- Glen and I were at a wedding this summer and started to feel sick at 10:15 pm because it was SO LATE; at this point our dance moves had been reduced to casual rhythmic head nods.
- We recently found a beer in our fridge from 2009.
- Once we ended a date night by going to CVS to buy birthday cards for our grandparents.
So, the probability that either one of us would be so blindly drunk that we would be unable to operate our limbs is staggeringly low. But nonetheless, we felt like we should really make sure we had this scenario covered. And practice makes perfect, so we hit the gin, hard.
No, that’s incorrect. But we really did practice. Generally we used the kitchen as our training grounds because tile is slippery and provided an extra challenge. Once we used a Home Depot parking lot while my dad was inside buying a grill. (Anyone who knows me or Glen will be 0% surprised by either of those sentences.) We would take turns going completely limp and falling to the ground. Rescuer would have to catch faller on the way down and then drag the deadweight across the kitchen floor. It didn’t represent a true “bar to home” distance but the bones were there.
It was no joke either, you couldn’t break character. In fact, faller purposely tried to be as unhelpful as possible. Sometimes you would fling a wayward limb to throw rescuer off balance. Or start muttering random words as a distraction. In fact usually rescuer didn’t have much advance notice of the fall. It wasn’t a “1, 2, 3 fall” situation. It could happen at any moment mid-conversation. If you are going to prepare you might as well make it realistic.
Alas we have never had to showcase our skills in the real world. Once Glen had to piggyback me through New York City because I wasn’t wearing sensible shoes but that’s really as close as we got. However, we have a lot of life ahead of us, and we have grandparents who have recently set some serious #marriagegoals with their 60th wedding anniversaries, so I still feel pretty strongly this was time well spent.
With appreciation for my husband and the Scout’s motto,