43 of the Funniest Parents on Twitter
May 24, 2018
Twitter is to funny parents as Instagram is to really beautiful people who are somehow always on a beach.
It’s where we shine. Where we can really spread our wings and fly. Where we can say “huh, I wonder if that was funny? Welp, this is low stakes. Tweet!”
And oh my gosh, the funny is real. It is so real. Pee your pants a little real.
So settle in to meet 43 of the funniest parents on Twitter and get your pointer finger ready to click “follow” because you’re going to want more of this in your life.
Kids give the sickest of burns.
7yo (to neighbor): My mommy’s the best mommy …
Me: (heart melts)
7yo: … she’s just hard to live with.
Me: (heart re-hardens)
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) May 3, 2018
Ergonomically correct. Appropriate width for pancakes.
Welcome to adulthood. You have a favorite spatula now.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 22, 2018
Erika’s kid is my spirit animal.
Getting away with my son for a couple nights. He’s looking around the hotel room and finds an ironing board. “Whoa, what’s that?” 🙈
— Erika (@dorkymomdoodles) May 10, 2018
But, but… what?
[My kid in the middle of eating a cookie]
You know what I could really go for right now, that you never let me have, is a cookie. — Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 6, 2018
Come at me, bro.
Doing some spring cleaning and told my 3 y/o that we are getting rid of things that we don’t use anymore. “Like these?” he says, pointing to my eight pound weights in the closet. pic.twitter.com/XIkAGeH4B1
— Becca Carnahan (@with_love_becca) March 25, 2018
Life isn’t always fair.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 25, 2018
And to finish, the dessert salad menu.
ME: *pointing to the menu*
Yes, so I’d like to try several of these fermented grape salad reductions, please
WAITER: Ma’am, that’s just the wine list..
ME: Ooh mmhmm yes, that sounds perfect I’ll have that
— ☕MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) May 5, 2018
Don’t worry, I’ve got this.
Get a napkin? Why the heck would I do that when I’m already rocking these sweet-ass napkin pants?
-kids — Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 7, 2018
Oh, the humanity!
Nothing ruins a child’s day quite like finding out what’s for dinner.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 2, 2018
Some sayings are misleading.
I didn’t realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That’s still a very low number of rodeos.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 19, 2016
Take what you can get.
Everyone in my house is asleep so I’m eating dessert out in the open like I own the place.
When else would you watch it?
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) May 8, 2018
Hat tip to you.
Kids who are louder than mine on the plane—thank you for your service!!
— Katie McKelvie (@katiemckomedy) March 23, 2018
She’s got this.
Judge: It says here you’ve forfeited your right to legal representation.
Me: *lips on mic* I watch Law & Order.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) September 2, 2017
Who’s really in charge here?
Me: I have to remember to get milk.
Brain: No thanks.
— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) May 8, 2018
Just trust her.
Cashier: How will you be paying?
*reaches in purse for money, pulls out Lego mini-figure
Me: This Will Turner goes for $75 on eBay.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 19, 2017
A plan I can get on board with.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 10, 2018
I feel like there’s a good Guts reference here too.
In my youth, I hoped I’d be lucky enough to be slimed on Double Dare. Unfortunately, the closest I’ve come to achieving that dream is catching my child’s vomit in my bare hands.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 20, 2018
Not my Jack’s dad. Apparently there are several Jacks.
— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) May 15, 2018
One day your toddler stops napping and then before you know it it’s been a thousand long years and he is finally going to school.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) April 20, 2018
2,500. I mean… I don’t know…
How many calories are in a wheel of cheese? I need to make sure I put this in my fitness app correctly.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 21, 2018
Not the only thing that toddlers and Nelly have in common.
Bandaids are accessories.
-Toddlers and Nelly
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 9, 2018
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) May 18, 2018
It’ll just take a minute.
You tell my kids it’s time for bed and suddenly it’s time for them to mow the lawn and do their taxes.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 6, 2018
I admire her courage.
Cashier was off-put that I would not supply my phone number and informed me that without it should I need to I would be unable to return the shampoo without a receipt. It was a chance I was willing to take.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) May 17, 2018
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
— The Dad (@thedad) November 2, 2017
Flexibility in interior decorating
Welcome to parenthood.
Your outdoor rocks are indoor rocks now.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 4, 2018
This one time, my toddler woke up at 5:30 am on Saturday morning and I convinced her it was nighttime and she went back to sleep for another hour.
It was, like, 9 months ago but I still think of that moment fondly.
— Micah (@ParentalGrit) May 19, 2018
Wait… isn’t that the dude from The Bachelor?
I would never favor one child over the other because I love them equally, but this new one seems way cooler than the other one.
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) May 20, 2018
Snacks, snacks, snackssnackssnackssnacks
Kids eat snacks like Netflix. As soon as one ends, another one is getting started.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 25, 2018
I love it.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) May 21, 2018
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) August 30, 2017
Summer is fast approaching so don’t forget to stay hydrated and that nobody wants to see a picture of your legs by a body of water.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 9, 2018
You never know.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 18, 2018
Parenting is basically just walking around your house picking up dirty socks and threatening to take away everything your kid loves.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 30, 2018
This is where I’ll be having my 35th birthday party.
I’m opening a bar where you have to be 35 or older to get in, the music plays at a reasonable volume, drinks are laced with Advil, no one has to stand, and the hip time to go is between 7-9:30.
— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) April 21, 2018
I wish I had the optimism of parents who dress their kids in white.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 16, 2018
I believe that children are our future.
3-year-old: Can you open my fruit snacks?
Me: No snacks right now.
3: But your arms are so strong.
Me: *opens fruit snacks*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2018
I too enjoy Spirit Week. Particularly the days that require very little of me.
The kids brought home a slip saying that tomorrow is crazy mismatched sock day. Finally, a day that embraces my household management style.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 2, 2018
Let me know what you find out. Please and thank you.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) April 25, 2018
You’ve probably never heard of her.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 13, 2018
“I’m going to do that at full speed.”
— ADHDad (@distracdad) May 18, 2018
Friends reference that ties perfectly with parenthood. End scene.
When your kid says you’re pretty except for your hair and wrinkles. pic.twitter.com/WZJCVrFOho
— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) May 20, 2018
With the original intention of making this a list of 25 but parents can’t help it if they’re funny,