Sneezing While Driving (And Other Totally Rational Fears)
October 29, 2017
As Halloween approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot about fear. Our world is pretty scary right now, and that’s a whole other conversation because honestly, world, pull it together… But to give us a slight reprieve from many real fears, today’s post is about other totally rational fears that are also a bit ridiculous. So let’s take a pause to laugh a little, and then go do what we can to make the world less scary. Deal?
Sneezing While Driving
If I’m being real honest with you here, this whole post stemmed from several days of sneezing while driving and subsequently thinking “Gah, that’s terrifying! I wonder how I could work that into a blog post…”
But really, it’s not like you can sneeze with your eyes open. Or suddenly break when you randomly sneeze. It’s always a “Jesus take the wheel” situation. And not that I don’t trust the big man upstairs, but he might have bigger fish to fry at that second, and this momentarily loss of control behind the wheel shakes me to my very core.
Going to the Bathroom at a Wedding When They Haven’t Played “Living on a Prayer” Yet
By the age of 32 you learn some things about weddings.
1) At the cocktail hour you need to position yourself near the kitchen door if you have any hope of getting your fill of scallops wrapped in bacon. (Fill = No fewer than 15)
2) Wear comfortable shoes – if you’re not in the bridal party literally no one cares about your feet.
3) The number of tissues you should bring = the amount you love the people getting married multiplied by how close you are to getting your period.
And of course, 4) Don’t miss “Living on a Prayer” on the dance floor. If the DJ hasn’t played it yet but they have transitioned from Bruno Mars to Journey then you best have brought your adult bladder tonight because you need to hang in there. I monitor my liquid intake every wedding because I’m legitimately worried about this.
On day 3 of a long weekend I convinced Jack that watching a movie would be a fun afternoon activity because #MomsJustWannaSitDown. I put in Cars because he loves him some Lightning McQueen but I totally misread my audience. The opening race scene in Cars when they bump each other off the track and get in 1 million accidents is not ideal for a 2 year old who wants to know the details of every traffic accident we pass and idolizes fire fighters and police officers.
“Mommy, why those cars bumping into each other??”
“Mommy, why they not driving safe??”
“Mommy, this is kind of scary for me. Can we watch Curious George?”
Yikes, sorry buddy. Oh and to bring it back to NASCAR, this is exactly the anxiety I experience when watching more than 30 seconds of a NASCAR race. SLOW DOWN!
Getting Abducted by Uber
Wait, you’re not scared of that? Really? You don’t hug your family a little tighter before you get into an Uber? Last time I took an Uber I honestly stared out the window at my kids trying to hold onto the memory in case Liam Neeson had to come find me.
Think about it. You just summoned a stranger from the internet to come pick you up and drive you somewhere… That’s the exact opposite of “don’t get in cars with strangers.” I’m getting anxiety just thinking about this. (I know Uber screens their drivers. Don’t tell me how to feel.)
That’s all. I don’t need to explain that one.
With the hope that your Halloween is full of more treats than tricks,
Want to make someone’s life a little less scary? If you’re able, consider a donation to any of these wonderful organizations, or another organization close to your heart.
Or call your elected representatives and let your voice be heard. We’ve got this, world.